Elinor Robin, PhD - Mediator and Mediation Trainer » Conflict

Conflict Consciousness

Elinor Robin — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 04:24:26 +0000

What is conflict consciousness? Our conflicts - both the internal and the external - are our best teachers. Few of us grow, change, or learn in the absence of conflict. Conflict Consciousness is the process of looking at your conflicts in order to see - for yourself - where you are as well as where you could be.

We are in the consciousness age and our conflicts are critical components - on personal, tribal, and global levels. Every conflict has a lesson to teach - about you individually or society as a whole. Now is the time for you to become more conflict conscious so you can grasp the lesson and incorporate it in your life.

Stay tuned. More will be revealed.

Mergers – The Human Dyamics

Elinor Robin — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 11:17:15 +0000

In the new economy businesses are seeking innovative ways to partner and merge with others. Partnership can bring significant benefits. However, the partnering process is often destructive and alignment is difficult to achieve. Recently I was asked why mergers are so challenging and how partners can avoid the typical merger pitfall of squashing out one team.

In almost every industry - from rock and roll bands to internet start-ups - the inability to manage conflict is a precursor to failure. Mergers are especially difficult because of the significant changes and uncertainties that go along with the transition. By their very nature mergers amplify all of the "normal" conflicts that already exist in both camps. And, typically it is not the financial or quantifiable details that destroy a partnership, its the human dynamics.

Under every human conflict someone feels dismissed, discounted, disenfranchised, or disrespected. These emotions can reek havoc during a business merger. However, since conflict management is not quantifiable or visible it is often a forgotten commodity. Stake holders typically don't realize that they need someone else to help manage conflict - until the conflict has escalated to the point of destruction.

What can you do? Bring in a professional mediator to assist with the transition. In order to avoid a crisis, it is critical that conversations are held early on, during the window of merger hope and enthusiasm, as well as along the way, when obstacles start to appear. This strategy will bring to light and immediately address any perceptions that one person or one team is being devalued - before the destructive emotions are acted out or acted upon. Clearly, in the case of a merger the best person for facilitating these conversations is a third party neutral with no prior loyalties to either side.

Apologies – Magical, Cleansing, Healing – And The Time is Now

Elinor Robin — Mon, 10 May 2010 13:16:49 +0000

As a professional mediator I have seen the power of the apology first hand. Practicing the 12-Step directive to "make a list of all persons we have harmed, become willing to make amends to them all, and make direct amends wherever possible" may be one of the best life practices you can incorporate. In fact, adopting this philosophy can drastically improve your relationships. Here is what you need to know about apologies:

1. A genuine apology can be very powerful and go a long way towards repairing a relationship. Even if you don't want reconciliation, an apology can bring closure and internal peace as well as reduce the possibility of negative repercussions in the future.

2. People in the wrong are often afraid to apologize; either because they believe that an apology will make them legally liable or open them up to blame and shame. However, we know that doctors who apologize to their patients for medical mistakes don't get sued nearly as much as the ones who take a more arrogant attitude.

3. Many of the cases that end up in court - especially consumer and workplace cases - could easily be settled by someone making a decent/sincere and timely apology. The problem is - usually - both people think that they have been wronged. It's often difficult to make an apology if you think that the apology should be made to you. Avoid this trap and base your actions on the big picture. Seek to see all of your disputes from the vantage point of the person on the other side.

4. People on the receiving end of the apology are often so grateful for the apology that almost anything works. You may simply apologize for the distress that the situation has caused both of you and your contribution to creating this distress. Or, if it’s more appropriate you may want to say "I made a mistake and I am sorry. Hopefully, I will never do this again."

5. Let the receiver know that it is not your intention to re-hash the situation - ALL you want to do is apologize. However, if you get a third person involved - someone to act as the mediator - you may be able to re-define the issues involved and see the initial conflict in a different light.

6. There are 3 possible responses to any apology (a) the apology is accepted and the parties go forward with the goal of re-establishing their connection, (b) the receiver accepts the apology and the parties agree to disagree and move on - with their connection severed, or (c) the party who is receiving the apology is unable to receive it and that is the end. Even in this instance the giver of the apology can feel that s/he has done her part - "kept her side of the street clean."

7. A sincere apology is one that is made with (a) no expectations for how the other side will respond; (b) trust that if the bond between us is strong enough it will be re-established so long as we are both willing to be open and honest, and if not, not; and (c) knowledge that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime - and we dont usually know which or why.

An apology can be magical, cleansing, and healing. Who do you need to apologize to?

The Mother-Daughter Bond – Conflict and Comfort

Elinor Robin — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 13:44:27 +0000

For many women, the mother-daughter connection is life's most complex relationship. So it comes as no surprise that many of us struggle with the relationship that we share with our mothers and many of us struggle with the relationships that we share with our daughters. As a mediator and as a woman, I am intrigued by how the mother-daughter bond can bring both conflict and comfort. This article discusses the complex mother-daughter relationship and offers tips that both mothers and daughters can use to heal their connection.

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What is Preventative Mediation?

Elinor Robin — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 22:02:28 +0000

Typically, we think of mediation as a process to help people in conflict. In addition, mediation can be used to help parties negotiating a transaction or wanting to prevent a destructive family or business conflict. Preventative Mediation can be used as follows:

1. To create a pre-marital or pre-nuptial agreement, also known as a Marriage Charter. A mediator can guide a couple's negotiations so that they can evaluate their expectations, consider a wide variety of options, and make choices about how they want their marriage to look.

2. To create an estate plan. Often, in both traditional and blended families, there is a lack of clarity regarding the path a family should take to distribute its resources. A mediator can guide a family’s negotiations so that an estate plan, that takes into account each person’s wants and needs, can be created.

3. To create a business partner’s agreement, also known as a Partnership Accord. A mediator can guide the negotiations of potential business partners so that they can evaluate their expectations, consider a wide variety of options, and make choices about how they will operate their business.

4. To create family agreements, also known as a Family Pact. A mediator can guide the negotiations of family members seeking resolution with a wide variety of family issues such as curfews and budgets.

Contact me for more information about Preventative Mediation.

The 10 Step Plan For Ending Feuds and Fights and Re-Building Connection

Elinor Robin — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 17:11:35 +0000

Yes, you can resolve even the nastiest of your conflicts, if you are committed to rebuilding the relationship. This article outlines my 10-Step plan for ending feuds and building connections.

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Avoid, Confront, and Everything in Between – The Conflict Management Style Primer

Elinor Robin — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 16:47:14 +0000

Do you tend to avoid conflicts or face each one head-on, never taking no for an answer? Or is your typical response to conflict someplace in between these two extremes? Conflict management researchers have identified five styles that are commonly used to both resolve and temporarily manage conflicts: avoiding, accommodating, compromising, competing and collaborating. You may favor one of these styles, however knowing when and how to use all five appropriately can help you produce the best results. This article discusses each style and explains when it is most appropriate to use it.

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Conflict Management Predictions For 2010

Elinor Robin — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 21:25:01 +0000

Recently I was asked to make conflict related predictions for 2010. Here is what I said.

In 2010, as resources become tighter, we will encounter more conflicts in our personal and professional lives and this trend will be mirrored on the local, national, and international stages. The new economy will continue to foster the creation of innovative services by entrepreneurs who are able to side-step the traditional attorney-driven model of conflict management. The majority of these services will be technology based, allowing people to access information that they will use in DIY models or with reduced fee service providers.

Additionally, here are my top 3 Conflict Managment predictions for 2010

1. Mediation will be used to resolve many of our current foreclosure and related mortgage problems.

2. Terminated employees will bring law suits against their former employers in record numbers. Most of these cases will be treated as nuisance matters and settled for small sums.

3. Media circus divorces (Jon and Kate) will continue to lose in popularity with celebrity couples choosing instead to use the confidential process of mediation to negotiate their break-ups. The public will continue to follow suit.

When the Party’s Over – Talking to Your Partner About Exit Strategies

Elinor Robin — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 15:54:47 +0000

How and when will you move on from your business? Your business may be a lifetime endeavor or a link in the chain of a serial entrepreneurship. Either way, having an exit strategy is essential. If you are part of a business partnership or family business, having an exit strategy is critical. Without one, you may not be able to liquidate your investment and move on, without unforeseen, negative consequences. This article discusses the concept of exit strategy and presents a series of questions partners can use to open up the lines of communication, make some important decisions, and tailor an exit strategy to their individual needs.

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A Crash Course in Negotiation

Elinor Robin — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 15:50:57 +0000

As you go about your workday, do you take time to negotiate the obstacles you regularly face or do you just walk away in disgust? Please don't walk away - come back and negotiate. Almost everything, in every aspect of your life, is negotiable. Having effective negotiation skills is the key. Especially in these difficult economic times, your ability to negotiate may mean the difference between success or ruin. We negotiate transactions and conflicts - everything from which restaurant we choose for lunch to how to structure our businesses and our lives. This article discusses the nine things you need to know before you sit down for your next negotiation.

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