For some couples the wife’s out-earning salary is a blessing that allows them to run their homes and finances.  Other times, having a high income wife becomes the kiss of death to a marriage. There are four ways female out-earning plays out in a marriage.  One way works and three don’t.  When it works, there are four factors that make it work:

1. There is a clear division of labor.  Being married is great. Because you have two partners, each spouse can take responsibility for a share of the life tasks.  No one has to have everything on their plate.  And, for many couples, they get to do the tasks that they enjoy and avoid the tasks that would feel more like drudgery.  As long as a couple is clear what each of them is in charge of and each of them fulfills their part of the bargain, everyone can be very happy with the deal.

2. Each partner values the others contribution.  When a partner has the attitude that their contribution has more value than that of their spouse, trouble is right around the corner.  Instead, it’s important that each partner be satisfied with the division of labor and appreciates their spouse’s contribution.

3. The couple has a shared vision and shared values.  When a married couple has a shared vision they are clear where they are going and what they want their lives to look like.  When a couple has shared values they know why and how they are going there.

4.  The family is living within its means.  Money problems don’t crop up from lack of money, they appear when a family is not living within its means.  In my divorce mediation practice I see many couples who have above average incomes but still have no net worth.  They are spending more than they earn.  This spending puts a strain on a marriage.  It is critical that couples live within their means in order to avoid marital money issues.

Sadly, for many out-earner couples these factors are missing and the wife's earnings become a negative. While every couple is different, there are three common patterns I've found in out-earner couples who are not able to hold their marriages together. Here they are:

1. The Competitors.  These are partners who come to the marriage with high expectations and big potential for themselves and each other.  And, while he does OK somehow he doesn’t quite live up to the expectations and his potential as much as she does.  In the competitive environment these couples create there is a winner and a loser.  Keep in mind, these husbands would not be considered “losers” on the open market.  Its only when they are compared to their wives that they fall short.  But, falling short makes respect difficult.  (Both self-respect and partner-respect.)  And, without respect no marriage can survive.

2. The Loser.  Here is the man who would like a free ride.  He doesn’t really want to work and he is not a real Mr Mom either.  He does a bit of this or that but when his wife looks closely she finds that he is little more than an occasional baby sitter.  The bottom line is that the children, the money, the house, and all the big responsibilities, are hers.  Then one day she wakes up and realizes he is making such a minimal contribution to their lives that she would be better off without having to pull his dead weight.

3. Crummy marriage.  Sometimes, a marriage is just crummy and over.  In this case the fact that the wife earns more may be a detail that the couple looks at but it’s just one of many factors.  I believe that partners with failing marriages fall into four categories:

• Mismatch.  They are simply a mismatch, with conflicting values, goals, or temperament.
• Addiction. One or both partners has some addiction issues.
• Balance sheet mentality.  There is a balance sheet mentality that keeps the spouses from working together as a team; instead each one is looking at their individual contributions and feeling they are giving more than they are getting, and
• Unmet expectations.  One of both partners not living up to what was expected of them.  (My best example of this was a great couple we worked with a few years ago.  The husband was a dashing fire-fighter and army reservist.  His adorable wife was initially drawn to his strength and expected he would always protect her.  But, during a string of Florida hurricanes she found herself in their house, with two kids, and a leaking roof.  He was in Iraq - protecting us all.  She had an affair.  The end.)  In general, these expectations could be anything from a wife who loses her youth and innocence to a husband who loses his business.

As our economy continues to evolve and the demand for certain skill-sets changes, we are going to see interesting shifts in earning and income potential for men and women.  These changes are going to continue to challenge marriages but couples can still make their marriages work and reap the rewards that can only be gained by having a committed partner.

1.  Pick your fights.  This is a three-part process.  First, pick who you are fighting with, then pick what you are fighting about, and finally decide when to bring it up.  But, before you even think about bringing up an unpleasant issue, rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.  Things that don’t rate as an 8, 9, or 10 are usually not worth arguing about.  Instead, ask your self – 30 minutes, 30 days or 30 years from now, will I still care about this?  If not, let it go.

Who?  If someone is a lunatic don’t waste your time.  This includes teen agers.  The frontal lobe of the brain is not fully formed until age 25 so arguing with a teen ager means you are arguing with someone who has only a fraction of a brain.  And, anyway, the time to win an argument with a teen ager is when they are two.  That’s when you set the rules down.  Whatever you taught them at two is what you will get when they are 15.  With that said, keep in mind that it is critical to listen to your teenager.  Give him/her a chance to convince you.  (It’s good practice for them.)  During those times that s/he cannot convince you, give him/her a choice between two options that you consider marginally acceptable.  As to adult lunatics, stay as far away from them as possible.  Minimize your dealings with crazy people.  This will save you time and money.  I repeat, do not argue with crazy people.  Even if you win, you lose.

What?  Only argue over things that can be measured.  Do not argue over values and beliefs.  Yesterday I got myself in an uproar trying to convince someone that her political beliefs are full of holes.  HELLO!  Ultimately, if she feels better believing stories designed to manipulate the masses with fear, who am I to point to reality.  Values and beliefs are not negotiable.  Only argue over things that can result in an action plan – you will do this, I won’t do that, etc.  Leave the rest of it for the pundits.

When?  If you are sure you want to go forward, think about the consequences of bringing up the topic.  Timing is critical.  Ask yourself is this the best time to make your point or if it would be better to shut up now and bring it up later.  In any event, avoid arguing in public at all costs.

2.  Fight fair.  There are four simple rules for a fair fight.  (1) Fight in the here and now – do not bring up things that happened in the past.  (2) Listen to each other.  Do not talk over someone.  Instead, take turns speaking, even if you have to use a timer to make it happen.  (3) Keep the focus on yourself, use “I” statements to avoid pointing the finger of blame.  It’s not important what percentage of fault each of you contributed to the creation of the problem.  (4) Avoid threats, name-calling, contempt, nagging, whining, and any other communication strategy that could be seen as manipulative.

3.  Focus on my nine fight fundamentals.

• Find commonalities.  Focus on the things you agree on.  Move on from there.
• What’s in it for him/her?  Instead of focusing on what you want, focus on what features and benefits the other person will receive.
• Look at the whole picture.  And, then look at the details. 
• Clearly state what you want/need.
• Stick to the facts.
• Give everyone time to think, process the information, and cool down.
• Speak in a language the other person understands.  Don’t talk feelings to your accountant.
• Be comfortable apologizing.  A genuine apology can bring about profound change and healing.  Often you can come out the big winner when you apologize.  An apology is one way to give the “loser” an opportunity to save face.
• Get closure and finish on the positive.  Each argument ends with one of three possible outcomes:
  • Agreement
  • Agree to disagree and move on
  • No agreement and horns still locked.  Of course, just because you’re here now doesn’t mean this is where you’ll stay.  But, this is the resolution you don’t want.  Remember, there is a HUGE difference between going away unhappy and going away so angry that getting a gun sounds like a good idea.  If you “win” and the other side goes home and gets his gun, you lost.

Questions?  Commentary?  I want to hear about your arguments and how they play out.  Email me – Elinor@AFriendlyDivorce.com.

1. Don’t listen to your hormones. During the early stages of a relationship you are awash with hormonal messages. Your brain is playing tricks on you. These hormonal messages are designed to spark feelings of attachment and connection for the “beloved.” But, once you are attached the hormones stop coming. Now, you can see his true colors and it may be too late to escape gracefully. So, avoid making a serious commitment while you are feeling ga-ga from the serotonin, dopamine, adrenaline, oxytocin, and vasopressin that your brain is putting out.

2. Don’t expect your man to be your girlfriend or your mother. Manage your expectations. Your man will typically not be able to support you or share your interests like a girlfriend. And, he will not be able to sacrifice or pick up after you the way a mother would. On the other hand, he will expect you to fulfill your role, however he sees it. So, ask him what he needs from you. You may be surprised (pleasantly or unpleasantly) by his simple answer. Tell him what you expect from him, but keep it simple and make sure its doable.  

3. Don’t be too easy. Hunting is in the male DNA. He wants to hunt. And, often he cannot tell the difference between you and the wildlife. So, give him space. The “distance-pursuer” dance is an extreme form of the dynamic that plays out with a needy woman and a detached man. She is always chasing, while he creates emotional distance. If you are the pursuer, don’t cry, get mad, or nag for more attention. (AND, don’t tell him “we need to talk.”) All you need to do is create some distance.

Most human behaviors can be plotted on a bell curve. So everything I’ve said here may not be true for you. You and/or your man may fall outside the “normal” range when it comes to gender related relationship behaviors. If that’s where you see yourselves, that’s OK, just enjoy your differences.

Much of my current mediation practice centers on my work with David Spofford at A Friendly Divorce. David and I use a unique co-mediation model that offers male-female balance, an awareness of both the legal and emotional issues of divorce, and an opportunity to save financial resources and heartache. At A Friendly Divorce, we also provide document preparation services in order to help the couples we work with obtain uncontested divorces.  Additionally, David and I are now offering training programs to professionals who want to launch or expand their practices to include pro-se/pre-suit divorce mediation.  In addition to the live training which is held each summer in Florida and in collaboration with mediation organizations in other venues, we have a 10 DVD/1 CD set that includes our extensive training manual and agreement templates.

As a Primary Trainer with Mediation Training Group, I have taught mediation nationally and internationally to over ten thousand professionals. Please consider Mediation Training Group’s offerings if you want to become a Florida Supreme Court Certified Mediator, acquire mediation skills to enhance your professional or personal life, or experience Continuing Mediator Education that is both entertaining and rich in content.  In addition, Susan Dubow and I are working on a variety of other projects so that we can help bring mediation into the mainstream.   Take a look at www.TheMediatorsRoundTable.com to learn more.

I am interested how I can help you improve your relationships using workplace agreements,  business partnership accords, dating contracts, prenuptial agreements, and marriage pacts.  Please accept this invitation to expand the dialogue - email me your questions and comments.

Want more?  Visit my blog for frequent updates.

1.  Expect change.  Your social network and your standard of living are going to change.

2.  Expect that dislike for your soon-to-be-ex will be difficult to conceal.  However, while it may not be easy, it is important that you avoid sharing this dislike with your children.

3.  Expect a sense of failure (as to the failed relationship and the “wasted” years) and loss (of clarity, identity, connection, and self-control) as well as a roller coaster of emotions – fear (psychological, physical, and financial), anger, sadness, depression, joy, relief, anxiety.  Pay attention to the duration and intensity of these emotions.

4.  Expect – but do not give into - the impetus for a knee-jerk-reaction that puts your children in the middle – where they are used as weapons.

5.  Expect more of the same.  If you have children and an on-going connection to your ex, divorce may not put an end to the negativity and “issues” that were present in your marriage.

6.  Expect that your children will be impacted by your divorce.  (Divorce impacts children of all ages.)  Keep in mind that the impact your divorce has on your children will be related to the degree and duration of conflict and negativity - before, during, and after the divorce.

7.  Expect your ex to have a different experience.  There is a big difference in the experience of the “dumper” and the “dumpee.”  The initiator has often had time to plan and/or gather information.  The other spouse is often caught off guard and needs time to catch his/her breathe after the initial shock.

8.  Expect that divorce will take you out of your comfort zone.  And, as you wade in unchartered water you will need extra support.

9.  Expect to regress into a second adolescence where dating will be difficult, dangerous, and overwhelming.

10.  Expect parenting alone to feel overwhelming.

11.  Expect that you will make mistakes.  Don't beat yourself up over your mistakes.  Instead, learn from your mistakes so that you emerge from this divorce better, stronger, and more aware.

In almost every industry - from rock and roll bands to internet start-ups - the inability to manage conflict is a precursor to failure. Mergers are especially difficult because of the significant changes and uncertainties that go along with the transition.  By their very nature mergers amplify all of the "normal" conflicts that already exist in both camps.  And, typically it is not the financial or quantifiable details that destroy a partnership, its the human dynamics.

Under every human conflict someone feels dismissed, discounted, disenfranchised, or disrespected.  These emotions can reek havoc during a business merger.  However, since conflict management is not quantifiable or visible it is often a forgotten commodity.  Stake holders typically don't realize that they need someone else to help manage conflict - until the conflict has escalated to the point of destruction.

What can you do?  Bring in a professional mediator to assist with the transition.  In order to avoid a crisis, it is critical that conversations are held early on, during the window of merger hope and enthusiasm, as well as along the way, when obstacles start to appear.  This strategy will bring to light and immediately address any perceptions that one person or one team is being devalued - before the destructive emotions are acted out or acted upon.  Clearly, in the case of a merger the best person for facilitating these conversations is a third party neutral with no prior loyalties to either side.

The courts only usher you through the legal aspect of your divorce.  When the other aspects of life remain unaddressed during divorce they can cloud reality and foster unrealistic expectations about what the courts can do.  To better understand what can and cannot happen in court remember that:

• Court TV shows are for entertainment and do not portray the realities and complexities of the system, especially the complicated rules of evidence.
• The family court system should not be used as a tool for revenge or punishment and this tactic can easily backfire.
• Often those who want to provide you with support and protection become emotionally charged themselves and their misguided efforts serve to fuel the fire instead.
• Sometimes in a divorce case, even if you win in the courtroom, you lose in the court of life.  The drain and anger of a high conflict divorce can be emotionally and financially devastating and make you unattractive to a healthier potential mate.
• Every case is different.  Even cases that seem similar will play out differently.  So do not depend on legal advice from your friends and relatives.

Sometimes, partners reach a mutual decision to divorce.  And, sometimes one partner makes this decision unilaterally.  In Florida when one spouse says it’s over, it is.  There may be hoops to jump through but if someone wants out of a marriage (and tells the court that the marriage is irretrievably broken) the court will dissolve the marriage.  However, before a couple can be divorced parenting and financial decisions have to be made and paperwork must be prepared and filed with the court.

THREE OPTIONS. Sometimes a divorcing person thinks that the only way to get in front of a judge for a divorce is to hire an attorney.  But, hiring an attorney is just one option.  Additionally, you can choose to fill-in and file your paperwork on your own.  Or, you and your spouse can hire a mediator who can help you reach an agreement and prepare you for an uncontested divorce.

Option #1 – The Traditional/Attorney-driven Divorce. Hiring an attorney is your best option if you need legal protection from your spouse or if your spouse has already retained a lawyer.  If you are unaware of what the marital assets are or how much your spouse earns a divorce attorney can investigate all of these details.  Additionally, if you feel intimidated as the result of domestic violence or coercion, negotiating without a divorce lawyer is a bad idea.  You can find a lawyer through the Florida Bar’s Lawyer Referral Service - http://www.floridabar.org/tfb/TFBConsum.nsf/48E76203493B82AD852567090070C9B9/EC2322E512B83D1E85256B2F006CC812?OpenDocument

Option #2 - DIY Divorce. If your situation is uncomplicated, you may want to fill in all of the forms you will need for your divorce and file them with the court on your own.  All of the forms are available on-line, for free, at the Florida Supreme Court’s website - www.flcourts.org/gen_public/family/forms_rules/index.shtml.  (Start by finding the petition that works for you (Form 12.901).  The instructions for Form 12.901 will outline which other forms you will need.  Additionally, your spouse will need an answer (Form 12.903).  Alternatively, you can buy form packets at your courthouse.  This packet will include all of the forms you need.  And, many local courthouses provide self-help assistance – this link will direct you to your local self-help center http://www.flcourts.org/gen_public/family/self_help/map.shtml.

Option#3 - Pro-se/Pre-suit Mediation. The third option involves the hiring of a mediator - before attorneys are retained or any documents are filed.  This option is often chosen by couples that want to save time/money and side-step the negative nature of an attorney-driven divorce but still believe that they need the assistance of a knowledgeable professional.  This is called Pro-se/Pre-suit Divorce Mediation.  (Pro-se means unrepresented (or without lawyers) and Pre-suit means before a law suit has been filed.)  Mediators that offer Pro-se/Pre-suit mediation are trained to guide divorcing couples towards agreement, an uncontested divorce, and a friendlier future.  At A Friendly Divorce (www.AFriendlyDivorce.com) we provide Pro-se/Pre-suit divorce mediation and document preparation services.  (Other mediators provide similar services.)

MEDIATION. In Florida approximately 95% of all divorcing couples use some form of mediation or negotiation in order to avoid going to trial.  If you and your spouse hire attorneys, after your attorneys have completed the discovery process, you will likely resolve your case in mediation with a mediator selected by your attorneys.  If you choose a DIY divorce and file your paperwork on your own the court will typically send you to a court-annexed mediation program where you can resolve any remaining issues.  And, finally, if you choose the option of Pro-Se/Pre-Suit Mediation you will engage in the mediation process with the mediator you select, focusing on the goal of creating a Marital Settlement Agreement (MSA) and Parenting Plan, if there are minor children).

Typically, the mediation process takes between two and ten hours, depending on the issues and the personalities involved.  Many divorces are mediated in a single session and sometimes the process is spread out over time.  The end result of the mediation process is the creation of a customized Mediated Marital Settlement Agreement.  This agreement will cover future parenting plans (if there are minor children) and how finances will be handled during and after the divorce.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW. Before you and your spouse decide which option is best for you and before you get to mediation there are some things you should know.  The following is our list of the 21 most important things to know before you move forward with your divorce.

1.  Chapter 61. Chapter 61 is the section of the Florida statutes that governs divorce in Florida.  You can read Chapter 61 here http://www.leg.state.fl.us/statutes/index.cfm?App_mode=Display_Statute&URL=0000-0099/0061/0061.html.

2.  Residency Requirement. To obtain a divorce (also called a dissolution of marriage) in Florida, you or your spouse must have resided in Florida for at least six months before the filing of the petition.

3.  Legal Separation. We do not have legal separation status in Florida.  And, there is no separation requirement prior to divorce.

4.  Your MSA. The desired outcome of the mediation process is a complete Marital Settlement Agreement (MSA). Your MSA will act as a guide after your divorce.  Your signed agreement will be presented to the court for inclusion in the final judgment dissolving your marriage.  Typically, five specific topics are discussed during divorce mediation and then incorporated into the Marital Settlement Agreement.  These topics are often presented and explained using the acronym P.E.A.C.E.:  Parenting, Equitable Distribution, Alimony, Child Support, and Everything Else.  In the Everything Else section you and your spouse may include anything else that you agree is relevant including how you will handle the dependency exemption for your children, legal expenses, the purchase of life insurance, or visits with the family dog.

5.  Parental Responsibility. In Florida we no longer use the terms “child custody,” “residential parent,” or “visitation.”  Instead, Chapter 61 provides for “shared parental responsibility” a term that refers to a court-ordered co-parent relationship.  Under shared parental responsibility both parents retain full parental rights and responsibilities and they are ordered to confer and jointly make all major decisions affecting the welfare of their child/ren.  (However, parents may decide that one parent will be responsible for certain aspects of the child’s life, such as education, and the other parent will be in charge of religion or health, etc.)  Parents sharing parental responsibility are both entitled to access their child’s medical, dental, and school records and information.

The Florida legislature and judiciary support the concept of shared parental responsibility.  However, if the parents agree otherwise or if the court finds that shared parental responsibility would be detrimental to a child/ren, sole parental responsibility could be ordered.  That would mean that one of the parents has unilateral decision-making authority for the child/ren.

6. Parenting Plan. If you have minor children, you and your spouse will create a Parenting Plan that will outline the details of how you will make decisions that affect your children as well as how you will divide time with and responsibility for your children.  By designing a customized parenting plan you and your co-parent will have a guide and a back-up plan in case there is a disagreement in the future.  Of course, as long as you and your spouse agree you can do almost anything that works for you both but in the event of a future disagreement your Parenting Plan will determine your actions.  You can find the Parenting Plan (Form 12.995) which has been approved by the Florida Supreme Court at http://www.flcourts.org/gen_public/family/forms_rules/index.shtml.

7. Time-Sharing/Parenting Schedule. There is no one-size-fits-all answer for time-sharing.  Each family should consider their unique circumstances and create a plan that works best for them, keeping in mind that the plan that works today may not be best as circumstances change and the children grow and mature.

In order to prevent future disputes and scheduling conflicts your parenting plan should address regular time-sharing, holiday time-sharing, and vacation time-sharing.  Make every effort to use precise start and end times in your time-sharing plan so that you can avoid future disputes (Example – mother’s time ends at school drop off or 8am if not in school and father’s time begins at school drop off or 8am if not in school.  This way you will be clear regarding who will take off from work to care for a sick child.)  (Example – it’s not enough to say weekend.  Instead clearly spell out when a weekend begins and when it ends.)

Some parents choose a rotating schedule that has their child living equal times (or close to equal) with each parent. This may mean that the child rotates between the parents every 2-3 days, every week, two weeks, month, quarter, or year. Alternatively, you may also choose a schedule that has the child living with one parent during the week and the other parent on weekends and school vacations.  Often parents take turns, alternating weekends and holidays (earmarking holidays for odd years (2011, 2013) and even years (2012, 2014).  In order to help you arrive at the most appropriate time-sharing schedule for your family, your mediator will encourage you to consider your child’s needs, your work schedules, and your family’s special circumstances.

8. Geographic Relocation. Geographic relocation with minor children is a common and difficult to resolve issue in divorce and post-judgment cases.  When one parent wants to relocate with the children, the other parent often turns to the courts in an attempt to stop the move.

Section 61.13001 of the Florida Statutes addresses relocation.  If this is an issue in your divorce you may want to read this section (see #1, above).  Then, you and your spouse should discuss relocation during mediation in order to decide which restrictions should apply in your case.  Skilled mediators are often able to help families find creative solutions to their relocation dilemmas so that parents can avoid legal battles.

9. Mandatory Parenting Class. If you have minor children, before your divorce is final, you will need to attend a mandatory 4-hour Parents of Divorce class.  The list of the court approved providers can be found at http://www.myfloridafamilies.com/docs/ParentEducationFamilyStabilizationCourseProvidersList.pdf.  Scroll down to find the approved providers in your judicial circuit.  Depending on the rules in your circuit you may be able to complete the class on-line.  It is wise to talk to more than one provider before you select a class.  Discuss (with your spouse and the provider) if it is better to take the class alone or with your spouse.

10. Parenting Coordination is a process where a neutral professional – the Parenting Coordinator (PC) - provides a child-focused dispute resolution process to assist parents in creating or implementing a parenting plan and/or resolving their parenting disputes.  The PC provides education, makes recommendations, and, with the prior approval of the parents and the court, makes limited decisions.  Typically parenting coordination is used for high-conflict couples, when on-going issues continue to erupt subsequent to the divorce.

11. Credit Report. Each of us is entitled to a free annual credit report from each of the three nationwide consumer reporting agencies, Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion.  If you are facing divorce, now is a good time to run a credit report and gather information about your creditors and the status of your debts.  It’s important to know if a creditor is calling a debt yours or your spouse’s.  You will want to share this information with your attorney, your mediator, and your spouse.  Often couples forget that when it comes to debts, in addition to their finding common ground, they need their creditors to go along with the plan.  Typically, creditors will not care what has been agreed upon or what the court has ordered in a divorce case, they will pursue the person whose social security number is securing the debt.

12. Taxes. Before you decide how to divide your assets and debts it is a good idea to consult with your accountant so that you and your spouse are aware of future tax liabilities and other related concerns.

13. Equitable distribution. Equitable distribution is the fair, but not necessarily equal, division of all marital property, assets, and debts.  This complex concept is discussed in Section 61.075 of the Florida Statutes (see #1, above).

Typically, one spouse is more knowledgeable about family finances.  If you are the spouse that is less informed, now is your chance to get caught up - fast.  In order to negotiate and participate meaningfully in the mediation process both spouses must be aware of what was owned and owed prior to the marriage, what has been acquired since the marriage, and what is currently owned and owed.

You and your spouse will decide how to divide or distribute all of your assets and debts so that you can achieve a financial divorce.  Your assets are your home, retirement accounts, bank accounts, investment accounts, possessions, businesses, insurance policies, cars, etc.  Your liabilities will include debts – such as your student loans, credit card debts, car loans, mortgage debt, etc.  If you and your spouse cannot agree as to how to divide your assets and debts the Judge will do this for you based on the criteria in 61.075 (see #1, above).

14. Financial Disclosure. Before your divorce is final you will need to fill out a Family Law Financial Affidavit which will outline the financial details of your marriage.  You can download this form from the Florida Supreme Court’s website in both PDF and RDF formats – http://www.flcourts.org/gen_public/family/forms_rules/index.shtml.  There are two Family Law Financial Affidavits.  The short form 12.902(b) should be used if your annual gross income is under $50,000 and the long form, Family Law Financial Affidavit 12.902(c) should be used if your annual gross income is $50,000 or more.

15. Spousal Support/Alimony. Alimony is money or other property paid in fulfillment of a duty to support one’s spouse after a separation or divorce.  (Note - the IRS has its own rules for determining how much of an alimony payment is tax deductible.)

A divorcing couple may agree to an alimony plan or a judge may order alimony.  There are many factors to consider when deciding the question of alimony but the key factor will be the receiver’s need and the payor’s ability to pay.

Section 61.08 of the Florida Statutes (see #1, above) (a) allows for an award of more than one type of alimony; (b) classifies short-term (up to 7 years), moderate-term (7 to 17 years), and long-term marriages (over 17 years), and (c) describes the factors a judge should consider in awarding alimony.  These factors include:

(a) The standard of living established during the marriage.

(b) The duration of the marriage.

(c) The age and the physical and emotional condition of each party.

(d) The financial resources of each party, including the non-marital and the marital assets and liabilities distributed to each.

(e) The earning capacities, educational levels, vocational skills, and employability of the parties and, when applicable, the time necessary for either party to acquire sufficient education or training to enable such party to find appropriate employment.

(f) The contribution of each party to the marriage – including services rendered in homemaking, child care, education, and career building of the other party.

(g) The responsibilities each party will have with regard to any minor children they have in common.

(h) The tax treatment and consequences to both parties of any alimony award.

(i) All sources of income available to either party, including income available to either party through investments.

(j) Any other factor necessary to do equity and justice between the parties.

Once alimony has been ordered, it may (or may not) be modifiable later on.  When discussing alimony, divorcing couples should discuss whether or not this alimony will be modifiable as to the duration (length of time) and/or as to the amount, and what circumstances would warrant a change.

Commonly, there are six forms of alimony; however, a couple can create an alimony arrangement that does not fit any of these specifics.

• Temporary Alimony is used during the process of divorce so that the receiving spouse can pay his/her expenses until the final dissolution.
• Rehabilitative Alimony is used during a specific time period so that the receiving spouse can obtain training, education, or job skills and so become self-supporting.  Rehabilitative alimony may be awarded so that the receiving spouse can establish the capacity for self-support through either the redevelopment of previous skills or credentials; or the acquisition of education, training, or work experience necessary to develop appropriate employment skills or credentials.  Before a judge awards rehabilitative alimony there must be a specific and defined rehabilitative plan.  An award of rehabilitative alimony may be modified or terminated upon a substantial change in circumstances, noncompliance with the rehabilitative plan, or completion of the rehabilitative plan.
• Bridge-the-Gap Alimony is used for a limited period in order to assist the receiving spouse with legitimate, identifiable short term needs as s/he makes the transition from being married to being single.  (For instance a 63 year old woman who will be eligible for medicare when she turns 65 may need bridge-the-gap alimony to pay her health insurance premiums during the next two years.)  An award of bridge-the-gap alimony terminates upon the death of either party or upon the remarriage of the party receiving alimony, is non-modifiable as to both the amount and duration, and may not exceed 2 years.
• Permanent Periodic Alimony is used to provide for the needs and necessities of life as they were established during the marriage for the spouse who lacks the financial ability to meet his or her life needs and necessities following the dissolution of the marriage.  Permanent alimony may be awarded following a marriage of long duration, following a marriage of moderate duration if such an award is appropriate upon consideration of certain factors (see (a) through (j) above), or following a marriage of short duration if there are exceptional circumstances.  An award of permanent alimony terminates upon the death of either party or upon the remarriage of the party receiving alimony.  An award may be modified or terminated based upon a substantial change in circumstances or upon the existence of a supportive relationship in accordance with Section 61.14 (see #1, above).
• Lump Sum Alimony is used to give the receiving spouse a one-time payment.
• Durational Alimony is used to provide a party with economic assistance for a set period of time following a marriage of short or moderate duration.  Durational alimony is awarded when permanent periodic alimony is inappropriate.  An award of durational alimony terminates upon the death of either party or the remarriage of the receiving party.  The amount of an award of durational alimony may be modified or terminated based upon a substantial change in circumstances.  However, the length of an award of durational alimony may not be modified except under exceptional circumstances and may not exceed the length of the marriage.

16. Child Support. The principles in Section 61.29 (see #1, above) of the Florida Statutes establish the public policy of the State of Florida in the creation of the child support guidelines.  These principles are:

• Each parent has a fundamental obligation to support his or her minor or legally dependent child.
• The guidelines schedule is based on the parent’s combined net income estimated to have been allocated to the child as if the parents and children were living in an intact household.
• The guidelines encourage fair and efficient settlement of support issues between parents and minimizes the need for litigation.

Child support is calculated using a prescribed formula (outlined in Section 61.30 of the Florida Statutes - see #1, above – follow the steps using a calculator and the guidelines chart.) that uses the child support guidelines chart, consideration of additional economic needs of the children, the parents’ net incomes, the cost of your children’s health insurance, the cost of work related child-care, and the number of overnights the child/ren spend with each parent.  In order to correctly calculate child support you should remember the following:

• A parents’ net incomes is calculated by subtracting the amount the parent pays in (i) Federal, FICA and Medicare taxes; (ii) mandatory retirement contributions, (iii) mandatory union dues; (iv) health insurance coverage – for the parent only; (v) court ordered child support from prior cases; and (vi) alimony, from the parent’s gross income.
• If you have no income the court may decide to impute income to you (give you an estimated income).  And, the court may also impute income for perks, cash sales and/or tips.  Section 61.30(2) of the Florida Statutes (see #1, above) addresses imputed income for the purposes of calculating child support.
• The substantial shared parenting method is used when the child(ren) spend at least 20% (73 or more overnights per year) of their overnights with each parent.  A parent’s failure to regularly exercise the court-ordered or agreed time-sharing schedule, not caused by the other parent, which resulted in the adjustment of the amount of time sharing is deemed a substantial change of circumstances for purposes of modifying the child support award.  And, such a modification may be retroactive to the date the noncustodial parent first failed to regularly exercise the court-ordered or agreed time-sharing schedule.
• The court may adjust or modify child support at any point in time.  So as circumstances change either parent may return to court and request a modification of child support.  The criteria the court uses to make this decision are outlined in Florida Statute 61.30(11) (see #1, above.)
• Child support terminates on a child’s 18th birthday unless the child is between the ages of 18 and 19, still in high school and performing in good faith with a reasonable expectation of graduation before the age of 19.  (Section 743.07(2) of the Florida Statutes.)

The Florida State Disbursement Unit is the agency that provides the central address for collection and disbursement of child support payments.  This agency is used for cases where child support is paid directly and cases where child support is paid through an income deduction order (IDO).  (An IDO is a court order that orders the obligor/payor’s employer to pay child support on his/her behalf.)

17. Paternity – Fatherhood. Any woman who is pregnant or has a child, any man who has reason to believe that he is the father of a child, or any child may bring proceedings to determine the paternity of the child when paternity has not been established by law or otherwise.  In any proceeding to establish paternity, the court may require that the child, mother, and alleged father(s) submit to scientific tests to show a probability of paternity.

18. Special Situations. Section 61.45 of the Florida Statutes is the “Child Abduction Prevention Act” which outlines the courts’ increased authority relating to child abduction prevention.  Section 61.13002 allows a parent assigned to military service to designate someone else to exercise time-sharing with a child on the parent’s behalf.  Section 751 outlines specific guidelines for children living with extended family members in temporary or “concurrent custody.”

19. Domestic Violence. According to Section 741.28 of the Florida Statutes "domestic violence" is defined as any assault, aggravated assault, battery, aggravated battery, sexual assault, sexual battery, stalking, aggravated stalking, kidnapping, false imprisonment, or any criminal offense resulting in physical injury or death of one family or household member by another family or household member.  Family or household member is defined as a spouse, former spouse, other person related by blood or marriage, a person who one is presently residing with or has resided within the past, and persons who are parents of a child in common regardless of whether they have been married.  With the exception of persons who have a child in common, the family or household members must be currently residing together or have in the past resided together in the same single dwelling unit.

20. Child Abuse and Neglect. Statutes exist to protect children who have been abused, abandoned or neglected or are at risk of being abused, abandoned or neglected.  Chapter 39 of the Florida Statutes outlines these protections and the policies and procedures that provide for interventions through the Florida Department of Children and Family Services (DCF), the judiciary, and other components of the child protection system.  This system monitors cases where at-home voluntary or protective services, shelter care, relative placement, foster-care, termination of parental rights and/or adoption are called for.  This child protection system is often referred to as the “dependency system” because the affected children are often adjudicated as dependent on the state.

21. Moving beyond divorce. You can speed your divorce recovery along by following these eight steps:

1. Accept the end of the marriage
2. Create a support system that is made up of old and new friends as well as professional support from a therapist or divorce coach.  Consider joining a support group to bolster your support network and inner circle.
3. Remember divorce is a transition and next year will be different, next year you will be different, and everything is temporary.
4. Use the transition of divorce as a time of assessment.  Figure out what mistakes you made in the relationship and how you will avoid these mistakes in the future.
5. Call a truce with your Ex.  (Especially important if you share children.)  Let him/her know that you want to find solutions that work for both of you.  It’s difficult to argue with someone who says "I want to find solutions that work for you and for me."
6. Clean out the clutter and get rid of unnecessary reminders of the past.  Getting rid of the big house and the extra TV is one way to make room for your new life and partner.
7. Do not move beyond your means.  In most cases, one income will not support your previous life style.  Cut down to reduce financial pressures.
8. Give yourself time.  Don’t rush into the next relationship because you are lonely or feel rejected.  The longer you wait the better your chances of success next time will be.  It’s OK to look (be a shopper) but don't buy too fast.

Home and Utilities

Mortgage, Rent, Home equity loan, Property taxes, Home insurance, HOA/Condo fees and/or assessments, Home insurance, Electric, Gas/Oil, Propane, Water, Sewer, Garbage, Alarm system, Septic, Land-line Telephone, Cell-phone, Cable/Satellite TV, Internet access, Cleaning service, Lawn care, Pool care, Tree/Shrub care, Chimney sweep, Window cleaning, Gutter cleaning, Carpet cleaning, Air Duct cleaning, Exterminator, Interior repairs, Exterior repairs, Weatherizing, and Appliance repair contracts.

Major Purchases

Appliances, Furniture, Renovations, Extended warranties, and Computers and computer equipment/supplies.

Auto Expenses

Car payments, Car lease, License/tags, Repairs, Gas, Oil Changes, Insurance, Inspections, Tolls, Parking, Rental car, Public transportation.

Personal Expenses

Food and household supplies, Eating out, Clothing, Shoes, Dry cleaning, Health insurance, Medical care, Dental insurance, Dental care, Orthodontia, Vision insurance, Glasses/Contacts, Beauty/Barber shop, Nail salon, Jewelry, Over-the-counter medications and vitamins/suppliments, Prescriptions, Cosmetics, Massage, Health club, Hobbies, Entertainment, Sport/Exercise activities and equipment, Club dues, Entertaining, Vacation, School expenses (tuition, fees, books, etc.), Special needs expenses, Psychological counseling, Pet expenses (veterinarian, food, grooming, boarding, equipment), Professional services (lawyers, accountant, financial planner, investment advisor, stock broker), Political contributions, Charity, Tithes, Donations, Birthdays/Anniversary gifts and cards, Linens, Kitchen supplies, Bathroom supplies, Cleaning supplies, Buying club fee, Paper, Computer and printer supplies, Subscriptions, Magazines, Books, Newspapers, Music, Holiday decorations, gifts, and cards.

Children's Expenses

School tuition, Uniforms, School lunches, Room and board, Books, Supplies, Fees, Club dues, School pictures and other mementos, Religious education, Tutors, Day care, Baby-sitter, Before/after school care, Summer camp, Tutor, Clothes, Shoes, Toys, Gifts from children to others, Allowances, Entertainment, Health insurance, Medical expenses, Dental expenses, Orthodontia, Psychological/counseling, Vitamins, Grooming, Computer equipment and supplies, Travel expenses - to see the other parent and otherwise.

Financial - Debt, Taxes, Insurance, ETC.

Federal, State, City, Personal Property, and Self Employment Taxes; Interest, Payments on credit card balances, Personal loans, Unpaid bills, Penalties, Consumer loans, Delinquent taxes, Bank/credit card fees, Retirement account contributions, Fines, Umbrella policy, Life insurance, Disability insurance, Child support, Alimony, Judgments, College funds, Savings account deposits, Employment related costs - such as Union dues.