Much of my current mediation practice centers on my work with David Spofford at A Friendly Divorce. David and I use a unique co-mediation model that offers male-female balance, an awareness of both the legal and emotional issues of divorce, and an opportunity to save financial resources and heartache. At A Friendly Divorce, we also provide document preparation services in order to help the couples we work with obtain uncontested divorces.  Additionally, David and I are now offering training programs to professionals who want to launch or expand their practices to include pro-se/pre-suit divorce mediation.  In addition to the live training which is held in July in Florida and in collaboration with mediation organizations in other venues, we have a 10 DVD/1 CD set that includes our extensive training manual and agreement templates.  (Call me for details as we are still working on getting the DVD set on-line.)

As a Primary Trainer with Mediation Training Group, I have taught mediation nationally and internationally to over ten thousand professionals. Please consider Mediation Training Group’s offerings if you want to become a Florida Supreme Court Certified Mediator, acquire mediation skills to enhance your professional or personal life, or experience Continuing Mediator Education that is both entertaining and rich in content.

I am interested in what you are thinking about your own personal and professional relationship dynamics and how I can help you create workplace agreements,  business partnership accords, dating contracts (also called pre-pre-nuptials), pre-nuptials agreements, and marriage pacts.  Please accept this invitation to expand the dialogue - email me your questions and comments.

Want more?  Visit my blog for frequent updates.

1.  Expect change.  Your social network and your standard of living are going to change.

2.  Expect that dislike for your soon-to-be-ex will be difficult to conceal.  However, while it may not be easy, it is important that you avoid sharing this dislike with your children.

3.  Expect a sense of failure (as to the failed relationship and the “wasted” years) and loss (of clarity, identity, connection, and self-control) as well as a roller coaster of emotions – fear (psychological, physical, and financial), anger, sadness, depression, joy, relief, anxiety.  Pay attention to the duration and intensity of these emotions.

4.  Expect – but do not give into - the impetus for a knee-jerk-reaction that puts your children in the middle – where they are used as weapons.

5.  Expect more of the same.  If you have children and an on-going connection to your ex, divorce may not put an end to the negativity and “issues” that were present in your marriage.

6.  Expect that your children will be impacted by your divorce.  (Divorce impacts children of all ages.)  Keep in mind that the impact your divorce has on your children will be related to the degree and duration of conflict and negativity - before, during, and after the divorce.

7.  Expect your ex to have a different experience.  There is a big difference in the experience of the “dumper” and the “dumpee.”  The initiator has often had time to plan and/or gather information.  The other spouse is often caught off guard and needs time to catch his/her breathe after the initial shock.

8.  Expect that divorce will take you out of your comfort zone.  And, as you wade in unchartered water you will need extra support.

9.  Expect to regress into a second adolescence where dating will be difficult, dangerous, and overwhelming.

10.  Expect parenting alone to feel overwhelming.

11.  Expect that you will make mistakes.  Don't beat yourself up over your mistakes.  Instead, learn from your mistakes so that you emerge from this divorce better, stronger, and more aware.

In almost every industry - from rock and roll bands to internet start-ups - the inability to manage conflict is a precursor to failure. Mergers are especially difficult because of the significant changes and uncertainties that go along with the transition.  By their very nature mergers amplify all of the "normal" conflicts that already exist in both camps.  And, typically it is not the financial or quantifiable details that destroy a partnership, its the human dynamics.

Under every human conflict someone feels dismissed, discounted, disenfranchised, or disrespected.  These emotions can reek havoc during a business merger.  However, since conflict management is not quantifiable or visible it is often a forgotten commodity.  Stake holders typically don't realize that they need someone else to help manage conflict - until the conflict has escalated to the point of destruction.

What can you do?  Bring in a professional mediator to assist with the transition.  In order to avoid a crisis, it is critical that conversations are held early on, during the window of merger hope and enthusiasm, as well as along the way, when obstacles start to appear.  This strategy will bring to light and immediately address any perceptions that one person or one team is being devalued - before the destructive emotions are acted out or acted upon.  Clearly, in the case of a merger the best person for facilitating these conversations is a third party neutral with no prior loyalties to either side.

The courts only usher you through the legal aspect of your divorce.  When the other aspects of life remain unaddressed during divorce they can cloud reality and foster unrealistic expectations about what the courts can do.  To better understand what can and cannot happen in court remember that:

• Court TV shows are for entertainment and do not portray the realities and complexities of the system, especially the complicated rules of evidence.
• The family court system should not be used as a tool for revenge or punishment and this tactic can easily backfire.
• Often those who want to provide you with support and protection become emotionally charged themselves and their misguided efforts serve to fuel the fire instead.
• Sometimes in a divorce case, even if you win in the courtroom, you lose in the court of life.  The drain and anger of a high conflict divorce can be emotionally and financially devastating and make you unattractive to a healthier potential mate.
• Every case is different.  Even cases that seem similar will play out differently.  So do not depend on legal advice from your friends and relatives.

Sometimes, partners reach a mutual decision to divorce.  And, sometimes one partner makes this decision unilaterally.  In Florida when one spouse says it’s over, it is.  There may be hoops to jump through but if someone wants out of a marriage (and tells the court that the marriage is irretrievably broken) the court will dissolve the marriage.  However, before a couple can be divorced parenting and financial decisions have to be made and paperwork must be prepared and filed with the court.

THREE OPTIONS. Sometimes a divorcing person thinks that the only way to get in front of a judge for a divorce is to hire an attorney.  But, hiring an attorney is just one option.  Additionally, you can choose to fill-in and file your paperwork on your own.  Or, you and your spouse can hire a mediator who can help you reach an agreement and prepare you for an uncontested divorce.

Option #1 – The Traditional/Attorney-driven Divorce. Hiring an attorney is your best option if you need legal protection from your spouse or if your spouse has already retained a lawyer.  If you are unaware of what the marital assets are or how much your spouse earns a divorce attorney can investigate all of these details.  Additionally, if you feel intimidated as the result of domestic violence or coercion, negotiating without a divorce lawyer is a bad idea.  You can find a lawyer through the Florida Bar’s Lawyer Referral Service - http://www.floridabar.org/tfb/TFBConsum.nsf/48E76203493B82AD852567090070C9B9/EC2322E512B83D1E85256B2F006CC812?OpenDocument

Option #2 - DIY Divorce. If your situation is uncomplicated, you may want to fill in all of the forms you will need for your divorce and file them with the court on your own.  All of the forms are available on-line, for free, at the Florida Supreme Court’s website - www.flcourts.org/gen_public/family/forms_rules/index.shtml.  (Start by finding the petition that works for you (Form 12.901).  The instructions for Form 12.901 will outline which other forms you will need.  Additionally, your spouse will need an answer (Form 12.903).  Alternatively, you can buy form packets at your courthouse.  This packet will include all of the forms you need.  And, many local courthouses provide self-help assistance – this link will direct you to your local self-help center http://www.flcourts.org/gen_public/family/self_help/map.shtml.

Option#3 - Pro-se/Pre-suit Mediation. The third option involves the hiring of a mediator - before attorneys are retained or any documents are filed.  This option is often chosen by couples that want to save time/money and side-step the negative nature of an attorney-driven divorce but still believe that they need the assistance of a knowledgeable professional.  This is called Pro-se/Pre-suit Divorce Mediation.  (Pro-se means unrepresented (or without lawyers) and Pre-suit means before a law suit has been filed.)  Mediators that offer Pro-se/Pre-suit mediation are trained to guide divorcing couples towards agreement, an uncontested divorce, and a friendlier future.  At A Friendly Divorce (www.AFriendlyDivorce.com) we provide Pro-se/Pre-suit divorce mediation and document preparation services.  (Other mediators provide similar services.)

MEDIATION. In Florida approximately 95% of all divorcing couples use some form of mediation or negotiation in order to avoid going to trial.  If you and your spouse hire attorneys, after your attorneys have completed the discovery process, you will likely resolve your case in mediation with a mediator selected by your attorneys.  If you choose a DIY divorce and file your paperwork on your own the court will typically send you to a court-annexed mediation program where you can resolve any remaining issues.  And, finally, if you choose the option of Pro-Se/Pre-Suit Mediation you will engage in the mediation process with the mediator you select, focusing on the goal of creating a Marital Settlement Agreement (MSA) and Parenting Plan, if there are minor children).

Typically, the mediation process takes between two and ten hours, depending on the issues and the personalities involved.  Many divorces are mediated in a single session and sometimes the process is spread out over time.  The end result of the mediation process is the creation of a customized Mediated Marital Settlement Agreement.  This agreement will cover future parenting plans (if there are minor children) and how finances will be handled during and after the divorce.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW. Before you and your spouse decide which option is best for you and before you get to mediation there are some things you should know.  The following is our list of the 21 most important things to know before you move forward with your divorce.

1.  Chapter 61. Chapter 61 is the section of the Florida statutes that governs divorce in Florida.  You can read Chapter 61 here http://www.leg.state.fl.us/statutes/index.cfm?App_mode=Display_Statute&URL=0000-0099/0061/0061.html.

2.  Residency Requirement. To obtain a divorce (also called a dissolution of marriage) in Florida, you or your spouse must have resided in Florida for at least six months before the filing of the petition.

3.  Legal Separation. We do not have legal separation status in Florida.  And, there is no separation requirement prior to divorce.

4.  Your MSA. The desired outcome of the mediation process is a complete Marital Settlement Agreement (MSA). Your MSA will act as a guide after your divorce.  Your signed agreement will be presented to the court for inclusion in the final judgment dissolving your marriage.  Typically, five specific topics are discussed during divorce mediation and then incorporated into the Marital Settlement Agreement.  These topics are often presented and explained using the acronym P.E.A.C.E.:  Parenting, Equitable Distribution, Alimony, Child Support, and Everything Else.  In the Everything Else section you and your spouse may include anything else that you agree is relevant including how you will handle the dependency exemption for your children, legal expenses, the purchase of life insurance, or visits with the family dog.

5.  Parental Responsibility. In Florida we no longer use the terms “child custody,” “residential parent,” or “visitation.”  Instead, Chapter 61 provides for “shared parental responsibility” a term that refers to a court-ordered co-parent relationship.  Under shared parental responsibility both parents retain full parental rights and responsibilities and they are ordered to confer and jointly make all major decisions affecting the welfare of their child/ren.  (However, parents may decide that one parent will be responsible for certain aspects of the child’s life, such as education, and the other parent will be in charge of religion or health, etc.)  Parents sharing parental responsibility are both entitled to access their child’s medical, dental, and school records and information.

The Florida legislature and judiciary support the concept of shared parental responsibility.  However, if the parents agree otherwise or if the court finds that shared parental responsibility would be detrimental to a child/ren, sole parental responsibility could be ordered.  That would mean that one of the parents has unilateral decision-making authority for the child/ren.

6. Parenting Plan. If you have minor children, you and your spouse will create a Parenting Plan that will outline the details of how you will make decisions that affect your children as well as how you will divide time with and responsibility for your children.  By designing a customized parenting plan you and your co-parent will have a guide and a back-up plan in case there is a disagreement in the future.  Of course, as long as you and your spouse agree you can do almost anything that works for you both but in the event of a future disagreement your Parenting Plan will determine your actions.  You can find the Parenting Plan (Form 12.995) which has been approved by the Florida Supreme Court at http://www.flcourts.org/gen_public/family/forms_rules/index.shtml.

7. Time-Sharing/Parenting Schedule. There is no one-size-fits-all answer for time-sharing.  Each family should consider their unique circumstances and create a plan that works best for them, keeping in mind that the plan that works today may not be best as circumstances change and the children grow and mature.

In order to prevent future disputes and scheduling conflicts your parenting plan should address regular time-sharing, holiday time-sharing, and vacation time-sharing.  Make every effort to use precise start and end times in your time-sharing plan so that you can avoid future disputes (Example – mother’s time ends at school drop off or 8am if not in school and father’s time begins at school drop off or 8am if not in school.  This way you will be clear regarding who will take off from work to care for a sick child.)  (Example – it’s not enough to say weekend.  Instead clearly spell out when a weekend begins and when it ends.)

Some parents choose a rotating schedule that has their child living equal times (or close to equal) with each parent. This may mean that the child rotates between the parents every 2-3 days, every week, two weeks, month, quarter, or year. Alternatively, you may also choose a schedule that has the child living with one parent during the week and the other parent on weekends and school vacations.  Often parents take turns, alternating weekends and holidays (earmarking holidays for odd years (2011, 2013) and even years (2012, 2014).  In order to help you arrive at the most appropriate time-sharing schedule for your family, your mediator will encourage you to consider your child’s needs, your work schedules, and your family’s special circumstances.

8. Geographic Relocation. Geographic relocation with minor children is a common and difficult to resolve issue in divorce and post-judgment cases.  When one parent wants to relocate with the children, the other parent often turns to the courts in an attempt to stop the move.

Section 61.13001 of the Florida Statutes addresses relocation.  If this is an issue in your divorce you may want to read this section (see #1, above).  Then, you and your spouse should discuss relocation during mediation in order to decide which restrictions should apply in your case.  Skilled mediators are often able to help families find creative solutions to their relocation dilemmas so that parents can avoid legal battles.

9. Mandatory Parenting Class. If you have minor children, before your divorce is final, you will need to attend a mandatory 4-hour Parents of Divorce class.  The list of the court approved providers can be found at http://www.myfloridafamilies.com/docs/ParentEducationFamilyStabilizationCourseProvidersList.pdf.  Scroll down to find the approved providers in your judicial circuit.  Depending on the rules in your circuit you may be able to complete the class on-line.  It is wise to talk to more than one provider before you select a class.  Discuss (with your spouse and the provider) if it is better to take the class alone or with your spouse.

10. Parenting Coordination is a process where a neutral professional – the Parenting Coordinator (PC) - provides a child-focused dispute resolution process to assist parents in creating or implementing a parenting plan and/or resolving their parenting disputes.  The PC provides education, makes recommendations, and, with the prior approval of the parents and the court, makes limited decisions.  Typically parenting coordination is used for high-conflict couples, when on-going issues continue to erupt subsequent to the divorce.

11. Credit Report. Each of us is entitled to a free annual credit report from each of the three nationwide consumer reporting agencies, Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion.  If you are facing divorce, now is a good time to run a credit report and gather information about your creditors and the status of your debts.  It’s important to know if a creditor is calling a debt yours or your spouse’s.  You will want to share this information with your attorney, your mediator, and your spouse.  Often couples forget that when it comes to debts, in addition to their finding common ground, they need their creditors to go along with the plan.  Typically, creditors will not care what has been agreed upon or what the court has ordered in a divorce case, they will pursue the person whose social security number is securing the debt.

12. Taxes. Before you decide how to divide your assets and debts it is a good idea to consult with your accountant so that you and your spouse are aware of future tax liabilities and other related concerns.

13. Equitable distribution. Equitable distribution is the fair, but not necessarily equal, division of all marital property, assets, and debts.  This complex concept is discussed in Section 61.075 of the Florida Statutes (see #1, above).

Typically, one spouse is more knowledgeable about family finances.  If you are the spouse that is less informed, now is your chance to get caught up - fast.  In order to negotiate and participate meaningfully in the mediation process both spouses must be aware of what was owned and owed prior to the marriage, what has been acquired since the marriage, and what is currently owned and owed.

You and your spouse will decide how to divide or distribute all of your assets and debts so that you can achieve a financial divorce.  Your assets are your home, retirement accounts, bank accounts, investment accounts, possessions, businesses, insurance policies, cars, etc.  Your liabilities will include debts – such as your student loans, credit card debts, car loans, mortgage debt, etc.  If you and your spouse cannot agree as to how to divide your assets and debts the Judge will do this for you based on the criteria in 61.075 (see #1, above).

14. Financial Disclosure. Before your divorce is final you will need to fill out a Family Law Financial Affidavit which will outline the financial details of your marriage.  You can download this form from the Florida Supreme Court’s website in both PDF and RDF formats – http://www.flcourts.org/gen_public/family/forms_rules/index.shtml.  There are two Family Law Financial Affidavits.  The short form 12.902(b) should be used if your annual gross income is under $50,000 and the long form, Family Law Financial Affidavit 12.902(c) should be used if your annual gross income is $50,000 or more.

15. Spousal Support/Alimony. Alimony is money or other property paid in fulfillment of a duty to support one’s spouse after a separation or divorce.  (Note - the IRS has its own rules for determining how much of an alimony payment is tax deductible.)

A divorcing couple may agree to an alimony plan or a judge may order alimony.  There are many factors to consider when deciding the question of alimony but the key factor will be the receiver’s need and the payor’s ability to pay.

Section 61.08 of the Florida Statutes (see #1, above) (a) allows for an award of more than one type of alimony; (b) classifies short-term (up to 7 years), moderate-term (7 to 17 years), and long-term marriages (over 17 years), and (c) describes the factors a judge should consider in awarding alimony.  These factors include:

(a) The standard of living established during the marriage.

(b) The duration of the marriage.

(c) The age and the physical and emotional condition of each party.

(d) The financial resources of each party, including the non-marital and the marital assets and liabilities distributed to each.

(e) The earning capacities, educational levels, vocational skills, and employability of the parties and, when applicable, the time necessary for either party to acquire sufficient education or training to enable such party to find appropriate employment.

(f) The contribution of each party to the marriage – including services rendered in homemaking, child care, education, and career building of the other party.

(g) The responsibilities each party will have with regard to any minor children they have in common.

(h) The tax treatment and consequences to both parties of any alimony award.

(i) All sources of income available to either party, including income available to either party through investments.

(j) Any other factor necessary to do equity and justice between the parties.

Once alimony has been ordered, it may (or may not) be modifiable later on.  When discussing alimony, divorcing couples should discuss whether or not this alimony will be modifiable as to the duration (length of time) and/or as to the amount, and what circumstances would warrant a change.

Commonly, there are six forms of alimony; however, a couple can create an alimony arrangement that does not fit any of these specifics.

• Temporary Alimony is used during the process of divorce so that the receiving spouse can pay his/her expenses until the final dissolution.
• Rehabilitative Alimony is used during a specific time period so that the receiving spouse can obtain training, education, or job skills and so become self-supporting.  Rehabilitative alimony may be awarded so that the receiving spouse can establish the capacity for self-support through either the redevelopment of previous skills or credentials; or the acquisition of education, training, or work experience necessary to develop appropriate employment skills or credentials.  Before a judge awards rehabilitative alimony there must be a specific and defined rehabilitative plan.  An award of rehabilitative alimony may be modified or terminated upon a substantial change in circumstances, noncompliance with the rehabilitative plan, or completion of the rehabilitative plan.
• Bridge-the-Gap Alimony is used for a limited period in order to assist the receiving spouse with legitimate, identifiable short term needs as s/he makes the transition from being married to being single.  (For instance a 63 year old woman who will be eligible for medicare when she turns 65 may need bridge-the-gap alimony to pay her health insurance premiums during the next two years.)  An award of bridge-the-gap alimony terminates upon the death of either party or upon the remarriage of the party receiving alimony, is non-modifiable as to both the amount and duration, and may not exceed 2 years.
• Permanent Periodic Alimony is used to provide for the needs and necessities of life as they were established during the marriage for the spouse who lacks the financial ability to meet his or her life needs and necessities following the dissolution of the marriage.  Permanent alimony may be awarded following a marriage of long duration, following a marriage of moderate duration if such an award is appropriate upon consideration of certain factors (see (a) through (j) above), or following a marriage of short duration if there are exceptional circumstances.  An award of permanent alimony terminates upon the death of either party or upon the remarriage of the party receiving alimony.  An award may be modified or terminated based upon a substantial change in circumstances or upon the existence of a supportive relationship in accordance with Section 61.14 (see #1, above).
• Lump Sum Alimony is used to give the receiving spouse a one-time payment.
• Durational Alimony is used to provide a party with economic assistance for a set period of time following a marriage of short or moderate duration.  Durational alimony is awarded when permanent periodic alimony is inappropriate.  An award of durational alimony terminates upon the death of either party or the remarriage of the receiving party.  The amount of an award of durational alimony may be modified or terminated based upon a substantial change in circumstances.  However, the length of an award of durational alimony may not be modified except under exceptional circumstances and may not exceed the length of the marriage.

16. Child Support. The principles in Section 61.29 (see #1, above) of the Florida Statutes establish the public policy of the State of Florida in the creation of the child support guidelines.  These principles are:

• Each parent has a fundamental obligation to support his or her minor or legally dependent child.
• The guidelines schedule is based on the parent’s combined net income estimated to have been allocated to the child as if the parents and children were living in an intact household.
• The guidelines encourage fair and efficient settlement of support issues between parents and minimizes the need for litigation.

Child support is calculated using a prescribed formula (outlined in Section 61.30 of the Florida Statutes - see #1, above – follow the steps using a calculator and the guidelines chart.) that uses the child support guidelines chart, consideration of additional economic needs of the children, the parents’ net incomes, the cost of your children’s health insurance, the cost of work related child-care, and the number of overnights the child/ren spend with each parent.  In order to correctly calculate child support you should remember the following:

• A parents’ net incomes is calculated by subtracting the amount the parent pays in (i) Federal, FICA and Medicare taxes; (ii) mandatory retirement contributions, (iii) mandatory union dues; (iv) health insurance coverage – for the parent only; (v) court ordered child support from prior cases; and (vi) alimony, from the parent’s gross income.
• If you have no income the court may decide to impute income to you (give you an estimated income).  And, the court may also impute income for perks, cash sales and/or tips.  Section 61.30(2) of the Florida Statutes (see #1, above) addresses imputed income for the purposes of calculating child support.
• The substantial shared parenting method is used when the child(ren) spend at least 20% (73 or more overnights per year) of their overnights with each parent.  A parent’s failure to regularly exercise the court-ordered or agreed time-sharing schedule, not caused by the other parent, which resulted in the adjustment of the amount of time sharing is deemed a substantial change of circumstances for purposes of modifying the child support award.  And, such a modification may be retroactive to the date the noncustodial parent first failed to regularly exercise the court-ordered or agreed time-sharing schedule.
• The court may adjust or modify child support at any point in time.  So as circumstances change either parent may return to court and request a modification of child support.  The criteria the court uses to make this decision are outlined in Florida Statute 61.30(11) (see #1, above.)
• Child support terminates on a child’s 18th birthday unless the child is between the ages of 18 and 19, still in high school and performing in good faith with a reasonable expectation of graduation before the age of 19.  (Section 743.07(2) of the Florida Statutes.)

The Florida State Disbursement Unit is the agency that provides the central address for collection and disbursement of child support payments.  This agency is used for cases where child support is paid directly and cases where child support is paid through an income deduction order (IDO).  (An IDO is a court order that orders the obligor/payor’s employer to pay child support on his/her behalf.)

17. Paternity – Fatherhood. Any woman who is pregnant or has a child, any man who has reason to believe that he is the father of a child, or any child may bring proceedings to determine the paternity of the child when paternity has not been established by law or otherwise.  In any proceeding to establish paternity, the court may require that the child, mother, and alleged father(s) submit to scientific tests to show a probability of paternity.

18. Special Situations. Section 61.45 of the Florida Statutes is the “Child Abduction Prevention Act” which outlines the courts’ increased authority relating to child abduction prevention.  Section 61.13002 allows a parent assigned to military service to designate someone else to exercise time-sharing with a child on the parent’s behalf.  Section 751 outlines specific guidelines for children living with extended family members in temporary or “concurrent custody.”

19. Domestic Violence. According to Section 741.28 of the Florida Statutes "domestic violence" is defined as any assault, aggravated assault, battery, aggravated battery, sexual assault, sexual battery, stalking, aggravated stalking, kidnapping, false imprisonment, or any criminal offense resulting in physical injury or death of one family or household member by another family or household member.  Family or household member is defined as a spouse, former spouse, other person related by blood or marriage, a person who one is presently residing with or has resided within the past, and persons who are parents of a child in common regardless of whether they have been married.  With the exception of persons who have a child in common, the family or household members must be currently residing together or have in the past resided together in the same single dwelling unit.

20. Child Abuse and Neglect. Statutes exist to protect children who have been abused, abandoned or neglected or are at risk of being abused, abandoned or neglected.  Chapter 39 of the Florida Statutes outlines these protections and the policies and procedures that provide for interventions through the Florida Department of Children and Family Services (DCF), the judiciary, and other components of the child protection system.  This system monitors cases where at-home voluntary or protective services, shelter care, relative placement, foster-care, termination of parental rights and/or adoption are called for.  This child protection system is often referred to as the “dependency system” because the affected children are often adjudicated as dependent on the state.

21. Moving beyond divorce. You can speed your divorce recovery along by following these eight steps:

1. Accept the end of the marriage
2. Create a support system that is made up of old and new friends as well as professional support from a therapist or divorce coach.  Consider joining a support group to bolster your support network and inner circle.
3. Remember divorce is a transition and next year will be different, next year you will be different, and everything is temporary.
4. Use the transition of divorce as a time of assessment.  Figure out what mistakes you made in the relationship and how you will avoid these mistakes in the future.
5. Call a truce with your Ex.  (Especially important if you share children.)  Let him/her know that you want to find solutions that work for both of you.  It’s difficult to argue with someone who says "I want to find solutions that work for you and for me."
6. Clean out the clutter and get rid of unnecessary reminders of the past.  Getting rid of the big house and the extra TV is one way to make room for your new life and partner.
7. Do not move beyond your means.  In most cases, one income will not support your previous life style.  Cut down to reduce financial pressures.
8. Give yourself time.  Don’t rush into the next relationship because you are lonely or feel rejected.  The longer you wait the better your chances of success next time will be.  It’s OK to look (be a shopper) but don't buy too fast.

Home and Utilities

Mortgage, Rent, Home equity loan, Property taxes, Home insurance, HOA/Condo fees and/or assessments, Home insurance, Electric, Gas/Oil, Propane, Water, Sewer, Garbage, Alarm system, Septic, Land-line Telephone, Cell-phone, Cable/Satellite TV, Internet access, Cleaning service, Lawn care, Pool care, Tree/Shrub care, Chimney sweep, Window cleaning, Gutter cleaning, Carpet cleaning, Air Duct cleaning, Exterminator, Interior repairs, Exterior repairs, Weatherizing, and Appliance repair contracts.

Major Purchases

Appliances, Furniture, Renovations, Extended warranties, and Computers and computer equipment/supplies.

Auto Expenses

Car payments, Car lease, License/tags, Repairs, Gas, Oil Changes, Insurance, Inspections, Tolls, Parking, Rental car, Public transportation.

Personal Expenses

Food and household supplies, Eating out, Clothing, Shoes, Dry cleaning, Health insurance, Medical care, Dental insurance, Dental care, Orthodontia, Vision insurance, Glasses/Contacts, Beauty/Barber shop, Nail salon, Jewelry, Over-the-counter medications and vitamins/suppliments, Prescriptions, Cosmetics, Massage, Health club, Hobbies, Entertainment, Sport/Exercise activities and equipment, Club dues, Entertaining, Vacation, School expenses (tuition, fees, books, etc.), Special needs expenses, Psychological counseling, Pet expenses (veterinarian, food, grooming, boarding, equipment), Professional services (lawyers, accountant, financial planner, investment advisor, stock broker), Political contributions, Charity, Tithes, Donations, Birthdays/Anniversary gifts and cards, Linens, Kitchen supplies, Bathroom supplies, Cleaning supplies, Buying club fee, Paper, Computer and printer supplies, Subscriptions, Magazines, Books, Newspapers, Music, Holiday decorations, gifts, and cards.

Children's Expenses

School tuition, Uniforms, School lunches, Room and board, Books, Supplies, Fees, Club dues, School pictures and other mementos, Religious education, Tutors, Day care, Baby-sitter, Before/after school care, Summer camp, Tutor, Clothes, Shoes, Toys, Gifts from children to others, Allowances, Entertainment, Health insurance, Medical expenses, Dental expenses, Orthodontia, Psychological/counseling, Vitamins, Grooming, Computer equipment and supplies, Travel expenses - to see the other parent and otherwise.

Financial - Debt, Taxes, Insurance, ETC.

Federal, State, City, Personal Property, and Self Employment Taxes; Interest, Payments on credit card balances, Personal loans, Unpaid bills, Penalties, Consumer loans, Delinquent taxes, Bank/credit card fees, Retirement account contributions, Fines, Umbrella policy, Life insurance, Disability insurance, Child support, Alimony, Judgments, College funds, Savings account deposits, Employment related costs - such as Union dues.

CHILD SUPPORT

Effective October 1, 2010 Section 61.29 is created to read:

61.29 Child support guidelines; principles.—The following principles establish the public policy of the State of Florida in the creation of the child support guidelines:

(1)          Each parent has a fundamental obligation to support his or her minor or legally dependent child.

(2)          The guidelines schedule is based on the parent’s combined net income estimated to have been allocated to the child as if the parents and children were living in an intact household.

(3)          The guidelines encourage fair and efficient settlement of support issues between parents and minimizes the need for litigation.

Effective January 1, 2011 Section 61.30(2), Florida Statues, which addresses imputed income for the purposes of calculating child support is amended as follows:

If the information concerning a parent’s income is unavailable, a parent fails to participate in a child support proceeding, or a parent fails to supply adequate financial information in a child support proceeding, income shall be automatically imputed to the parent and there is a rebuttable presumption that the parent has income equivalent to the median income of year-round full-time workers as derived from current population reports or replacement reports published by the United States Bureau of the Census.  However, the court may refuse to impute income to a parent if the court finds it necessary for that parent to stay home with the child who is the subject of a child support calculation or as set forth below:

1.    In order for the court to impute income at an amount other than the median income of year-round full-time workers as derived from current population reports or replacement reports published by the United States Bureau of the Census, the court must make specific findings of fact consistent with the requirements of this paragraph. The party seeking to impute income has the burden to present competent, substantial evidence that:

a.    The unemployment or underemployment is voluntary; and

b.    Identifies the amount and source of the imputed income, through evidence of income from available employment for which the party is suitably qualified by education, experience, current licensure, or geographic location, with due consideration being given to the parties’ time-sharing schedule and their historical exercise of the time-sharing provided in the parenting plan or relevant order.

2.    Except as set forth in subparagraph 1., income may not be imputed based upon:

a.    Income records that are more than 5 years old at the time of the hearing or trial at which imputation is sought; or

b.    Income at a level that a party has never earned in the past, unless recently degreed, licensed, certified, relicensed, or recertified and thus qualified for, subject to geographic location, with due consideration of the parties’ existing time-sharing schedule and their historical exercise of the time-sharing provided in the parenting plan or relevant order.

Effective January 1, 2011 Section 61.30(6), Florida Statues, is amended so that the 25% reduction that was previously considered when calculating work related child care costs is no longer a factor. Instead calculate each parents’ costs of work related child care based on his/her percentages of the combined net income.

Effective January 1, 2011 Section 61.30(11)(a)11(b)8 is amended so that “substantial amount of time” means that a parent exercises timesharing at least 20 percent of the overnights of the year. And a parent’s failure to regularly exercise the court-ordered or agreed time-sharing schedule not caused by the other parent which resulted in the adjustment of the amount of child support shall be deemed a substantial change of circumstances for purposes of modifying the child support award. A modification pursuant to this paragraph is retroactive to the date the noncustodial parent first failed to regularly exercise the court-ordered or agreed time-sharing schedule.

NOTE:  40% (or 146 overnights) was removed from the calculation.  We now use the “gross up method” when both parents have at least 20% or 73 overnights a year.

Effective January 1, 2011 Section 61.45 is amended and the “Child Abduction Prevention Act” outlines the courts increased authority relating to child abduction prevention.

Effective July 1, 2011 Section 61.13002 is amended so that a parent assigned to military service may designate someone else to exercise time-sharing with a child on the parent’s behalf.

Effective July 1, 2010 Section 751 is amended in order to better address the needs of children living with extended family members in temporary or “concurrent custody.”

Effective October 1, 2010 Section 61.13 is amended so that:

1.    The court may at any time order either or both parents to pay support to the other parent or to a third party who has custody in accordance with the child support guidelines.

2.    All child support orders and income deduction orders entered on or after October 1, 2010, must provide:

a.             For child support to terminate on a child’s 18th birthday unless 743.07(2) applies or the parties agree otherwise. (743.07(2) addresses incapacitated dependents between the ages of 18 and 19 who are still in high school and performing in good faith with a reasonable expectation of graduation before the age of 19.)

b.            A schedule, based on the record existing at the time of the order, stating the amount of the monthly child support obligation for all the minor children at the time of the order and the amount of child support that will be owed for any remaining children after one or more of the children are no longer entitled to receive child support; and

c.             The month, day, and year that the reduction or termination of child support becomes effective.

Here are two examples of the schedules we are using – one using the standard method and one using the “gross-up” method.

TIME SHARING LESS THAN 20%

1)    Child Support Calculations.

a)    The child support payments set forth above are based upon the representation that John earns a net monthly income of $3,184 and Mary earns a net monthly income of $3,353.  This combined net total monthly income of $6,537 requires a basic child support payment of $2,278.  Based on these incomes, John is responsible for 49%, or $1,110 and Mary is responsible for 51%, or $1,168.

b)    Child Support Schedule. Based on these net incomes and our agreed time sharing with our children, the following schedule shows (i) the amount of John’s monthly child support obligation for our three children, (ii) the amount of child support John will owe for any remaining children after one or more of our children are no longer entitled to receive child support, and (iii) the month, day, and year that we anticipate that the reduction or termination of child support will become effective.

EACH PARENT HAS 20% OR GREATER TIME SHARING

a)      Child Support Calculations. The child support payments set forth above are based upon the following representations:

i)        John earns a net monthly income of $3,000 and Mary earns a net monthly income of $1,000 and

ii)       Each year our children will spend 109 or 30% of their overnights with John and 256 or 70% of their overnights with Mary.

iii)     We have a combined projected net total monthly income of $4,000 of which John earns 75% and Mary earns 25% and the “gross up” or “substantial shared parenting” provisions for calculating child support apply because our children will spend at least twenty percent (20%) of their overnights with each parent.

iv)     Our combined net total monthly income of $4,000 would require a basic monthly child support payment of $1,603 per the Florida child support chart. The gross up method increases this amount to $2,405 (This amount is one and one half (1.5) times $1,603).

v)      Applying the gross up method to the child support calculation from the Florida child support chart using the above numbers results in monthly child support due from John to Mary of $1,085.

b)      Child Support Schedule. Based on these net incomes and our agreed time sharing with our children, the following schedule shows (i) the amount of John’s monthly child support obligation for our three children, (ii) the amount of child support John will owe for any remaining children after one or more of our children are no longer entitled to receive child support, and (iii) the month, day, and year that we anticipate that the reduction or termination of child support will become effective.

ALIMONY

Additional changes to the alimony statute will be effective July 1, 2011. These changes are in italics.

Effective July 1, 2010 Section 61.08, was amended so that Section 61.08 now:

• allows for an award of more than one type of alimony;
• revises the factors to be considered in awarding alimony;
• provides a rebuttable presumption for the classification of the length of a marriage;
• provides for the determination of the length of a marriage;
• provides for an award of non-modifiable bridge-the-gap alimony for a limited period;
• provides for an award of modifiable rehabilitative alimony in certain circumstances;
• provides for an award of modifiable durational alimony in certain circumstances;
• provides for an award of modifiable permanent alimony in certain circumstances.

(1)  In a proceeding for dissolution of marriage, the court may grant alimony to either party, which alimony may be bridge-the-gap, rehabilitative, durational, or permanent in nature or any combination of these forms of alimony. In any award of alimony, the court may order periodic payments or payments in lump sum or both. The court may consider the adultery of either spouse and the circumstances thereof in determining the amount of alimony, if any, to be awarded. In all dissolution actions, the court shall include findings of fact relative to the factors enumerated in subsection (2) supporting an award or denial of alimony.

(2)  In determining whether to a proper award of alimony or maintenance, the court shall first make a specific factual determination as to whether either party has an actual need for alimony or maintenance and whether either party has the ability to pay alimony or maintenance. If the court finds that a party has a need for alimony or maintenance and that the other party has the ability to pay alimony or maintenance, then in determining the proper type and amount of alimony or maintenance, the court shall consider all relevant economic factors, including, but not limited to:

(a) The standard of living established during the marriage.

(b) The duration of the marriage.

(c) The age and the physical and emotional condition of each party.

(d) The financial resources of each party, including the nonmarital and the marital assets and liabilities distributed to each.

(e) The earning capacities, educational levels, vocational skills, and employability of the parties and, when applicable, the time necessary for either party to acquire sufficient education or training to enable such party to find appropriate employment.

(f) The contribution of each party to the marriage, including, but not limited to, services rendered in homemaking, child care, education, and career building of the other party.

(g) The responsibilities each party will have with regard to any minor children they have in common.

(h) The tax treatment and consequences to both parties of any alimony award, including the designation of all or a portion of the payment as a nontaxable, nondeductible payment.

(i)(g) All sources of income available to either party, including income available to either party through investments of any asset held by that party.

(j) The court may consider Any other factor necessary to do equity and justice between the parties.

(3)  To the extent necessary to protect an award of alimony, the court may order any party who is ordered to pay alimony to purchase or maintain a life insurance policy or a bond, or to otherwise secure such alimony award with any other assets which may be suitable for that purpose.

(4)  For purposes of determining alimony, there is a rebuttable presumption that a short-term marriage is a marriage having a duration of less than 7 years, a moderate-term marriage is a marriage having a duration of greater than 7 years but less than 17 years, and long-term marriage is a marriage having a duration of 17 years or greater. The length of a marriage is the period of time from the date of marriage until the date of filing of an action for dissolution of marriage.

(5)  Bridge-the-gap alimony may be awarded to assist a party by providing support to allow the party to make a transition from being married to being single. Bridge-the-gap alimony is designed to assist a party with legitimate identifiable short-term needs, and the length of an award may not exceed 2 years. An award of bridge-the-gap alimony terminates upon the death of either party or upon the remarriage of the party receiving alimony. An award of bridge-the-gap alimony shall not be modifiable in amount or duration.

(6)  (a) Rehabilitative alimony may be awarded to assist a party in establishing the capacity for self-support through either:

1. The redevelopment of previous skills or credentials; or
2. The acquisition of education, training, or work experience necessary to develop appropriate employment skills or credentials.

(b) In order to award rehabilitative alimony, there must be a specific and defined rehabilitative plan which shall be included as a part of any order awarding rehabilitative alimony.

(c) An award of rehabilitative alimony may be modified or terminated in accordance with s. 61.14 based upon a substantial change in circumstances, upon noncompliance with the rehabilitative plan, or upon completion of the rehabilitative plan.

(7)  Durational alimony may be awarded when permanent periodic alimony is inappropriate. The purpose of durational alimony is to provide a party with economic assistance for a set period of time following a marriage of short or moderate duration or following a marriage of long duration if there is no ongoing need for support on a permanent basis. An award of durational alimony terminates upon the death of either party or upon the remarriage of the party receiving alimony. The amount of an award of durational alimony may be modified or terminated based upon a substantial change in circumstances in accordance with s. 61.14. However, the length of an award of durational alimony may not be modified except under exceptional circumstances and may not exceed the length of the marriage.

(8) Permanent alimony may be awarded to provide for the needs and necessities of life as they were established during the marriage of the parties for a party who lacks the financial ability to meet his or her needs and necessities of life following a dissolution of marriage. Permanent alimony may be awarded following a marriage of long duration, if such an award is appropriate upon consideration of the factors set forth in subsection (2), following a marriage of moderate duration if such an award is appropriate based upon clear and convincing evidence after consideration of the factors set forth in subsection (2), or following a marriage of short duration if there are written findings of exceptional circumstances.  In awarding permanent alimony, the court shall include a finding that no other form of alimony is fair and reasonable under the circumstances of the parties. An award of permanent alimony terminates upon the death of either party or upon the remarriage of the party receiving alimony. An award may be modified or terminated based upon a substantial change in circumstances or upon the existence of a supportive relationship in accordance with s. 61.14.

(9) The award of alimony may not leave the payor with significantly less net income than the net income of the recipient unless there are written findings of exceptional circumstances.

Section 80.  Effective July 1, 2011, the amendments to s.61.08, Florida Statutes, made by this act apply to all initial awards of alimony entered after July 1, 2011, and to all modifications of alimony of such awards made after July 1, 2011.Such amendments may not serve as a basis to modify awards entered before July 1, 2011, or as a basis to change amounts or duration of awards existing before July 1, 2011. The amendments to s. 61.08, Florida Statutes, made by this act are applicable to all cases pending on or filed after July 1, 2011.

Questions to the mediators:

1.  Considering these definitions for various types of alimony, what do you call it if the parties want to structure alimony in a way that does not fit one of these definitions?  For instance, what would you call modifiable alimony with a duration of seven years?

2.  Considering these definitions for various types of alimony, is it correct to say that only permanent alimony terminates upon the existence of a supportive relationship while bridge-the-gap, rehabilitative, and durational alimony terminate only upon remarriage.  Will this be a sticking point for payors?  What would you call alimony that is durational but terminates upon the existence of a supportive relationship?

3. Do the math.  Using the new 20% cut off for the “gross-up” method, if a parent’s percentage of overnights is less than 1/3 of that parent’s percentage of net income (for instance the parent has 25% of the overnights and 80% of the income) that parent has to pay the other parent more child support than if that parent did not have the children at all.  Was this a miscalculation on the part of the legislature?

As I look around at the current state of the mediation industry five things continue to annoy me.

1.    Professional mediators are trained in three different venues:  law schools, University based masters and PhD programs in dispute resolution, and 40-hour “Certification” programs offered by private providers.  Each group of students leaves training with different needs.  These needs are often unacknowledged and they remain unmet as  follow-up/future training is typically limited.

2.    There are limited employment opportunities for mediators and the majority of Mediators and Conflict Management Consultants are self employed.  So, training programs should (but most do not) include substantial marketing components.

3.    The “popular” training model - 40-hours of classroom training, followed by a short, on-site (often difficult to acquire) mentorship - was adopted in order to quickly train professionals coming into the profession with experience and knowledge from a related field.  This model has relegated mediation practice to a secondary position.  Re-positioning would require expanding and enhancing the training period and including a true practicum component that is supervised by a practitioner trained in mentoring.

4.    In today’s competitive marketplace branding is a critical component of any marketing plan.  This means that mediators (and other ADR professionals) need to have clear niche expertise.  So, basic training must be followed by advanced training in the niche area.

5.  In order to further the process of mediation and the profession of mediator we must have lobbyists that represent our concerns, on both the state and national levels, with legislatures and executive lawmakers.  And, we must have PR spokespeople who carry our message to the public.

1. A genuine apology can be very powerful and go a long way towards repairing a relationship. Even if you don't want reconciliation, an apology can bring closure and internal peace as well as reduce the possibility of negative repercussions in the future.

2. People in the wrong are often afraid to apologize; either because they believe that an apology will make them legally liable or open them up to blame and shame. However, we know that doctors who apologize to their patients for medical mistakes don't get sued nearly as much as the ones who take a more arrogant attitude.

3. Many of the cases that end up in court - especially consumer and workplace cases - could easily be settled by someone making a decent/sincere and timely apology. The problem is - usually - both people think that they have been wronged. It's often difficult to make an apology if you think that the apology should be made to you. Avoid this trap and base your actions on the big picture. Seek to see all of your disputes from the vantage point of the person on the other side.

4. People on the receiving end of the apology are often so grateful for the apology that almost anything works. You may simply apologize for the distress that the situation has caused both of you and your contribution to creating this distress.  Or, if it’s more appropriate you may want to say "I made a mistake and I am sorry. Hopefully, I will never do this again."

5. Let the receiver know that it is not your intention to re-hash the situation - ALL you want to do is apologize. However, if you get a third person involved - someone to act as the mediator - you may be able to re-define the issues involved and see the initial conflict in a different light.

6.  There are 3 possible responses to any apology (a) the apology is accepted and the parties go forward with the goal of re-establishing their connection, (b) the receiver accepts the apology and the parties agree to disagree and move on - with their connection severed, or (c) the party who is receiving the apology is unable to receive it and that is the end. Even in this instance the giver of the apology can feel that s/he has done her part - "kept her side of the street clean."

7.  A sincere apology is one that is made with (a) no expectations for how the other side will respond; (b) trust that if the bond between us is strong enough it will be re-established so long as we are both willing to be open and honest, and if not, not; and (c) knowledge that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime - and we dont usually know which or why.

An apology can be magical, cleansing, and healing. Who do you need to apologize to?